Last week I lost yet another good friend to advanced age and predictable illness (one of the benefits of living a rich and supportive existence). It never gets easier, this dealing with death. We learn (we hope) some useful “tidbits” from each experience that we then apply to the next loss, but most of the time we make it up as we go along. So many emotions go into grieving, but for the record, there is no perfect way to grieve.
As a counselor, I deal with personal loss and grief more often than I would like. Death is the logical outcome of life. Based on my experience, every person’s grief is different (we don’t process our thoughts the same as anyone else, so why would we expect others to grieve the same way?). We do, however, share “predictable similarities” as reflected by tons of research into the typical grieving process by some very smart people around the world.
Below are a few excerpts from a specific handout I put together to augment my “Grief and Loss” group sessions. Perhaps you might find a tidbit or two that will help you work through your own current and future loss and grief.
Loss, Grief and Healing (Doreen Carlson-Doyle, 2010)
Loss: the state of feeling grief when deprived of someone or something of value; a reduction of power or control 
Grief: deep sorrow; trouble or annoyance; an exclamation of irritation, frustration, or surprise.
Loss is an inevitable part of existence. When you suffer a (significant) loss, many of your hopes, dreams, expectations and desires are shattered. The excruciating pain of losing a loved one, whether spouse, child, parent or friend, can be the most severe suffering we can ever endure. Losing a fulfilling career, a precious item, former physical abilities, etc… can be just as painful. Feelings such as anger, hurt, dismay, emptiness, sadness, devastation, and helplessness are evoked. This pain can be all consuming, overwhelming and incapacitating. Grief can be agonizing.
In her book On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identifies the following natural stages of the grieving process:
1. Denial (Nature’s way of protecting us from being overwhelmed by the magnitude of our loss.)
2. Anger (It’s unfair. Why me/us, why now? Anger informs us that our personal sanctum has been violated.)
3. Remorse (If I/we had not done this, maybe things would be different.)
4. Depression (Helplessness and surrender.)
5. Acceptance (This is the way it is. I can’t change it, but will try to accept and make the best of it.) Participating fully in the grieving process will bring about a new understanding of the human life cycle, and expedite your healing. When an important but troublesome relationship is terminated, your hopes and dreams of resolution are crushed. When you lose your job or health insurance, your ability to take care of yourself and others is severely compromised.
Allow yourself to mourn, period. Complete your unmet hopes, dreams and expectations in your own time. Life may never be as it once was before the loss, but the skills learned as you cope, re-adjust, and move on with your life can be applied to other challenges you will most assuredly face in the years to come.
PRACTICE SELF-NURTURING! Begin to heal from loss by nurturing and caring for yourself in ways that convince you that you are valuable, competent, deserving and lovable. Get enough sleep, eat in a healthy fashion, get regular exercise, practice good hygiene. Go to a movie, get a massage, plant a garden, buy a pet, and learn to meditate. Spend time with good friends (compliment yourself for making that difficult phone call to reclaim a new version of your old life).
GET HELP FROM OTHERS! Ask for support from friends just to listen to you “vent” for a while without trying to “fix” anything. Never turn down hugs (or avoid giving them), and physical contact is important for healing. Ask someone who loves you to remind you that they do.
“Fake it” until you can “make it”. When you treat yourself like you deserve to be treated, in the way you want to be treated, others will follow your lead!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ One day I might get a tattoo with “fake it until you make it” plastered across my forehead (wouldn’t that be fun?)! In truth, the concept has certainly worked for me over the years. The point I was making when I wrote the above paper was that in the absence of a true mental disorder, “common” grief does indeed, dissipate eventually. If we can accept and remember that simple premise, hope remains. With hope, there is healing.
When “bad things happen to good people” it makes it even more difficult to accept the overall loss. It is impossible to explain why some people die precipitously (early), why some die in lengthy agony and why some are here one moment and gone the next for no clear reason. How can people smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, live recklessly and then live to be 100 years old when some babies die before they take their first breath? The simple and truthful answer is “I don’t know”. I doubt anyone has an answer that would satisfy everyone.
People of faith seem to handle these philosophical conundrums better than those without. The fear-factor of death is removed because a belief in heaven or “life after death” reassures believers that our time on earth is but a pit stop, an interval until the next chapter of our existence begins. “For those who believe, no explanation is necessary. For those who don’t believe, no explanation is ever enough” (attributed to Ben Franklin).
Our faith in a Higher Power (and a long, interesting life) also teaches us that death is not an ending. Those of us left on earth after the passing of a loved one are, of course, left with a “big black hole” in our heart where that person (or important thing) took up residence. “Time” itself does not always heal the painful chasm, but it does put distance between you and the trauma, so that in the process of daily life you are able and open to gain a perspective of the inevitability of death and loss.
Face it, none of us get out of this place called Earth alive.
The truth is, I have not been sorely tested (specifically) by the loss of my children or my husband, which I always assumed will be my “personal kryptonite”. I lost my mother at a young age and my father when even younger, long before I knew he existed. My grieving period was blessedly modified by my youth and limited understanding of the frailties of life. There were moments growing up without parents that hurt deeply, but I am the person I am now because of it.
I also miscarried during a “strange” pregnancy and deeply mourned the loss of what “might have been”. I’ve lost other family members, significant friends, colleagues and patients too, but my logical mind and firm spiritual faith assures me that life moved on in spite of those traumatic losses…and I survived, but the scars and memories will never fully disappear. They weren’t meant to.
The Memorial Service for my friend that died last week was held in her church. The multi-faith gathering was billed as a “Celebration of Life” and it was all that, and so much more! Various pictures of this remarkable gal depicting her zest for life were everywhere–at the door as we entered, and at the front by the altar. After the service, we adjourned to the reception area to enjoy a delicious meal prepared by those who loved and honored her family and friends with their culinary skills. We knew, without doubt that she was there with us in spirit, laughing and crying “happy tears” from a much “different place” where age and illness had no relevance whatsoever!
The healing process of this tremendous loss had begun even before we left the church.
I almost forgot! Present at the service were several people who dropped out of my life years ago, for reasons known only to them. From the moment we set eyes on each other, the past was immediately forgiven and forgotten! Whatever unforgivable hurts or misunderstandings that prompted the estrangement between us was gone. We hugged and kissed like long-lost lovers as though no time had passed at all! I don’t know if we will rekindle those friendships we once had, but I am certainly open to it. I have hope. It reminds me of the reunion we all will share one day in a different place where believers go to “join those who have gone before to make a place” for our inevitable arrival. I choose to believe my dear friend sent known reinforcements to “cover her spot” and to remind me of how much she loved me.
This morning I woke up refreshed, joyful, feeling no stress, much like I do most mornings. Gone was the worry about the failing health of my friend. Gone was the great sadness that she had indeed, died. Gone was the stress about what I would say at the memorial service to honor her like I wanted to. Now comes the business of “being available as needed” to my friend’s daughter, also a close friend, because I want to. Life moves on, and we will deal with what comes along with hope in a brighter future. It’s a “common sense” formula I’ve learned that works in the most traumatic circumstances across the board. I’m counting on it now.
I take real comfort in knowing that my dear friend is happy, once again healthy and reunited with all her beloved ones–that’s my faith at work. She is at peace, and available to me when she pops into my head. I can’t help but smile.
Geez, when she was alive, I couldn’t even get her to return my calls or texts in a timely fashion!