For the record, this particular tantrum is “all about you”, not the other guy. It is a reminder that you are responsible for your own choices. All the happy faces, adorable babies and puppies in the world will not affect severe mental afflictions, clinical depression, deadly addictions, or even cause a “victim” of their own making to get slap happy and run around town screaming “I’m cured! You saved me!” Doctors and therapists and pharmaceutical companies would be out of work if it were really that easy, and that’s not gonna happen anytime soon, know what I mean?
At the risk of appearing “snarky”, is there anyone out there in this age of “psychology awareness” who truly believes they are able to change the behavior of another? No, seriously, I want to know! You can make well-meaning “suggestions” and provide support that may, might, perhaps ultimately “influence” the person you care about to alter their own behavior, but YOU are not responsible for the choices they make (good or bad) — unless, of course, you are God, in which I humbly defer my unworthy comments to Your expertise!
Okay, that was a bit snarky, but you get my drift. Life is not fair, and some of us get a rotten deal at times. I ask your opinion only because I see and hear this all the time from reasonably intelligent adults, and it confounds me! Like Dr. Phil says, “When you choose the behavior, you are also choosing the consequence.” No one is perfect, and there will be no judgments made here. It’s just that adults make decisions all the time, and are supposed to be learning from their mistakes along the way.
Bad habits and behaviors “conquered” from constant badgering (“Hey, thanks, it was that “specific article” you insisted I read that turned me around immediately”) or gleaned from another’s altruistic efforts (hiding all the booze or cigarettes, etc…“out of sight, out of mind”) are unsustainable, and generally short lived if the bottom line is “I’m doing this for you to make you happy (translation: “to get you to stop bugging me”) not because I want to or should for my own sake”.
Let’s also be clear about so-called “cures”: A person that is smoking “less”, but “bumming cigarettes” or sneaking a smoke hasn’t quit smoking. If you pledge to quit drinking during the week, and only imbibe during holidays, special occasions, under stressful circumstances, you haven’t stopped drinking. If you say she never hits you unless you occasionally make her angry, face it man, she hasn’t stopped abusing you!
The list of incongruent self-talk to justify our own habitual behaviors or efforts to continue to “rescue” someone else from their own misbehavior is endless! I’m talking about that wacky conversation in our head to rationalize our desire to keep pushing and pushing “acceptable behavior” down the throats of the unwilling. Instead of curbing the distasteful conduct, we are in danger of adding to the problem when we invest in the outcome of the healing process for others.
There are many helpful things you can do to encourage someone to seek help to change his/her destructive behavior. Go ahead and put the helpful information out there in a non-confrontation manner, if you must. Be available as much or as little as you are able, just to listen. Encourage the person to seek professional assistance if the behavior is more than they can handle. Stage an intervention with the assistance and guidance from a trained counselor or therapist. Transport the person to therapy sessions or rehab if required. Taking on the responsibility of actually implementing those changes for someone else in “their best interests”, is an exercise in futility. Get help for yourself to learn how you can maintain perspective about the situation.
When do behavior “patterns” become addictions? If any negative activity is consistent, or deemed too powerful (or too enticing) to stop at will, if the “warm fuzzies” you get are more compelling than the consequences from achieving or maintaining the pleasure you get, it might be an addiction. A competent mental health professional will tell you that all the rehabs and therapies in the world cannot force anyone to change aberrant behavior, if the desire is not there to begin with. Successfully living with an addictive personality is difficult enough, even when the will to succeed is strong.
For some, “hitting the brick wall”, that moment when you fully realize that what you are doing is just not working for you, becomes the catalyst that initiates the process of personal change. Many smokers decide to stop smoking only when they learn they have lung cancer. Abusive individuals/parents, or substance abusers (drugs or alcohol) finally admit to a problem when they lose their children, their marriages fall apart, or they end up in jail. When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequence of your actions.
There is some comfort in knowing that we cannot change another person, as frustrating as it is. As adults, we should be in the business of making our own good choices. Some days we find we are successful, and some days, not so much. If we abdicate that responsibility by showing a lack of capability or interest in our personal overall well-being, we run the risk of having someone else make decisions for us. The consequence is that we allow someone else to chart the course of our future.
If a person is exhibiting harmful or unlawful behavior that is dangerous to them or another, the rules change dramatically. We have an obligation to seek proper medical and/or legal assistance on their behalf and enlist help for those who cannot help their self. Common sense dictates that if you witness a potential danger or crime, you report it. You don’t wait to see how it plays out!
Today was one of those days in the news when it was apparent that common sense did not prevail. Not for the young mother who was “smacking the snot” out of her kid in the parking lot (she said her mother used to smack her in public when she misbehaved) while others looked on, waiting to see if it would escalate further. Not for the surviving victims of the Ft. Hood Massacre finally receiving “token” Purple Heart Medals in a flashy, politically-correct ceremony, but without the usual benefits due to the recipients as a result of the horrific terrorist attack (which still isn’t officially classified a terror attack, although the perpetrator screamed “Allahu Akbar!” as he was shooting.)
On page three of the newspaper, a mother chose to abdicate her responsibility to protect her son when he repeatedly told her he was being bullied at school. The article said that although the boy had come home several times with “marks” on his body, and often complained of minor injuries, the mother admitted she made a decision to “let it play out and toughen up the boy”, encouraging her son to “work it out” with the others. The memorial service for the thirteen year old is next week.
For a brief moment, I admit I allowed what I had read in the newspaper to influence my overall demeanor. I snapped at my husband and growled back at my dog. I wallowed in a dark thought that the world is going to hell in a hand-basket. However, instead of ruining my entire day (making everyone else around me miserable), I made a conscious decision to put my feelings and frustrations into a “tantrum” blog, working through my anger and depression because, frankly, I don’t like to feel like this! Feelings and emotions just happen, and nobody is perfect, remember? People drink, smoke, and spank their kids across all socio economic levels. If the “offender” will not change their offensive behavior, then the “offended” must alter their own attitude toward the situation.
Hey, I can whine with the best of them. I also ask for assistance when I need it, most of the time anyway. Dark times do not last forever, I’ve learned. 
I accept that I cannot change all the crappiness (it’s a word, not a particularly eloquent word, but look it up if you don’t believe me) that is going on in the world, but I just might, maybe, perhaps influence the behavior of those I come in contact with, one person at a time. I certainly can change how I respond to perceived problems and horrible events without harming my body, destroying the lives of others or turning to substance abuse and destructive behaviors.
Happiness is a choice. Good mental (and physical health) is often the byproduct. We all have personal criteria as to what makes us satisfied, comfortable in our own skins and at peace with the universe. We have the right to make choices about our personal habits, even if they are destructive. It is painful and frustrating to watch those we love or care about continue to repeat distasteful or harmful behaviors. It breaks my heart to see people suffer (or be the cause of suffering) because they don’t use the good common sense that God gave them.
In the absence of a diagnosed mental disorder, unexpected illness, and the infringement of rights or personal safety for another, the overall choice to be (and stay) happy is ours alone. Others must come to the same conclusion for themselves… and about others.
I think today I will ask for an extra hug and another cup of coffee, “just because”.